Almost Free...

I am so relieved. I officially move out this Friday!!! I haven't been staying in my house (walking the green mile) for a week now. I couldn't move into my apartment until Friday. My belongings are packed up and the divorce paperwork has been filed. I can not be more happy than I am at this exact moment! Almost Free....

I Shall Call Him "Dirk"

Wow! Has it really been that long since I blogged? Wow! So much has happened…

For starters, Joe is no longer going to Hawaii. He is now going to Kentucky. Isn’t Karma a bitch? He wanted to go SO bad to Hawaii. Bragging and boasting about how I am going to miss out on sooo much by not going with him. Joe is a “City Boy” (using the word ‘boy’ very loosely) and now going to what he calls ‘Redneck Country’. Haha Booya Biotch!

So, Joe has ‘finally’ accepted his fate that I am leaving. Well, he still begs for sex (which I will NOT give him) because my ‘lady parts’ are made of steel. I can hold out for a really really long time because face it, a girl can take care of her own needs and knows exactly what and how she likes it. I must have been good at something. ;)

I’m not saying that this transition has been smooth sailing. It has been all but that at times. It’s hard when you have 17 years invested in something/someone. You get to learn people and you sometimes learn when they are using their poker face and when they are being honest, but you also learn how ugly, mean, vindictive and hurtful people can be. There have been times when Joe has been down right mean and mentally and emotionally abusive. He has never hit me. But there has been a few times where his rages have caused me to second guess just what he may be capable of.

He asked me the other day why I am not showing him any emotions. Well, let me tell you. I am SO over being emotional. I have been an emotional wreck for years and those days are so gone. Gone forever.

When people hear about our separation and upcoming divorce, their first response is sorrow. I tell them to NOT feel sorry for me. I want them to be HAPPY for me. Happy that I can be myself and no longer be the person that I was before. I am the happiest right now in my life than I have EVER been.

Should I dare say that I have a person in my life at this exact moment that ‘gets’ me? Someone that I can trust to someday (maybe) hold the key to my ‘Forever Happiness’? I have been fighting demons for a very long time. Both external and internal. I will not ever make decisions for anyone else but me. This person makes me happy.

I shall call him “Dirk”. Dirk is understanding, honest, sensual, sexy, smart, witty, gentle, funny, fun, hard-working, non-judgmental, educated, caring, kind, erotic, a great dad, a wonderful son, a great brother, amazing, masculine, confident, ambitious, goal oriented, secure, patient, easy going, exciting, likable/lovable, responsible, beautiful, wise, athletic, well dressed, generous, friendly, compassionate, happy, intelligent, warm, cozy, comfortable, magnificent, delicious, rare, yummy, gorgeous, generous, passionate, clever, cheerful, sensitive, grateful, naughty, soft, straightforward, forgiving, faithful, sweet, trustworthy, energetic… but most of all… loyal…

The list could go on and on but I will save it. He is so sweet and giving that I don’t want to bore you with all the details. Let’s just say that I am FINALLY HAPPY! He is everything that I could ever want and everything that I have prayed for in my entire life…

Love, Amy J

The Will Is There...

Life is moving along. A few things to mention?:

Joe is still an asshole. I am starting to voice more things around him. Such things as, “You have got to have the worse eating habits of anyone or anything that I have ever heard/seen in my life!” and such as “Why do you ask me why I am going to the grocery store.. um… for groceries!” The only thing is, I haven’t sternly enough told him that I am not going to Hawaii with him. I just feel like I need more time to finish what I have planned (ex: more money saved, deposit on an apartment (although I have found one), electricity turned on, etc). You know, necessities. I have however talked to my supervisor and her brother used to work for a moving company. So he has agreed to help me move when the time is nearer. He is not charging nearly as much as he should. I feel like I might even be paying him sweat-shop laborer price so depending on how efficient he is, I will give him a little extra. I should be able to afford as much by then.

Things at home are not better. I lie in bed at night and can hear Joe breathe. I can not even stand to hear the sound of his breath anymore. He doesn’t snore and doesn’t even make actual noises but still, I can hear him and it disgusts me. I feel bad at times as I don’t even want to talk to him. Not even about day-to-day things in general. Not even small talk about the weather. I think sometimes that I am down right rude to him when I answer him but damn! Isn’t what he has done to me rude (to say the least)?

Work is my sanctuary. I really enjoy coming to work. I hate weekends, as I am off on weekends. I look forward to Mondays. Now ‘that’ is weird! But it is my time away from him. Yes, his school is on the campus that I work on, and maybe once a week he will walk the 50 yards to come into my workplace, just to start shit. But other than that? I enjoy it as #1) I don’t have to be around him #2) I work with the best, most supportive group of coworkers, they are a God-send #3) There are so many people that come in my workplace, throughout the day, that makes me laugh and are thankful for me in some sort of way or another. Makes me remember how un-stressful life is supposed to be. So yeah, bring on the Mondays!!!

Sorry for the updates, or lack there of. I just feel like that nothing has really changed. I am still disappointed that things are still the same, no changes. But trust me.. The thought (and the will) is still in motion. I just have to wait until the right time. I just add to my nightly prayers that I will have the courage, commitment and the strength to get me through all of this.

Thanks for stopping by to check on me. I’m holding my own and will try to get these ‘things’ out of my head and into future posts.

Change Is Good... right?

I know it's been a few days since my last 'sitting' but I'm not sure what to write/talk about. I come here today feeling more and more confused (but what else is new)? I always feel confused.

So, as I mentioned before, Joe is in the military. He/we just found out the other day that he will be getting stationed in Hawaii. The report date for him to be there is 1 July. I have to say that getting this assignment is bittersweet. 'Back-in-the-day' I would have already been in my coconut bra and grass skirt and would already be sitting on the plane, waiting impatiently for take off. Now... I sit here and I wonder what it would be like now. How nice it would be to wake up every single morning, put on a bathing suit and head to the beach.. for the day! Then come home, put on a flowery sundress and head to the nearest luau. Sit by an open fire, with a full belly, and watch the sunset over the calm, beautiful sea-green water while sipping spirits out of a coconut with a pretty umbrella, of course delivered to me by a handsome Hawaiian wearing nothing but a grass skirt.

Bzzzzz! (that it the sound of my internal alarm clock, snapping me back to reality)! I can't go to Hawaii! Would things be any different there? Thousands of miles away from my friends and family. Away from 'civilization? Um... no. I know this to be true.

I was talking to 'Joe' the other night (he doesn't know of my 'plan' to leave, yet). I was telling him that I didn't feel comfortable going all the way to Hawaii with the unresolved issues that him and I have. That I didn't want to be 'stuck' overseas if/when things didn't work out. Then I told him that I would not be shipping my SUV to Hawaii (I didn't want him to make plans to ship MY vehicle knowing that I wasn't going). I told him that I would just leave it stateside and buy a hooptie car in Hawaii. He blew a freakin' cork! Here's the deal... It is going to cost $2,500 to ship MY vehicle to Hawaii. I told him that I could leave my vehicle stateside and use the $2,500 to buy a little car over there. But he was determined to ship my vehicle to Hawaii. I told him that I had NO voice and NO opinion on this matter what-so-ever! That HE has made the decision for both of us! That is NOT how this is going to work. Get this, he said he would 'sleep on it". Um... NO! I will NOT ship my vehicle to Hawaii because I am not going! I think he wants to ship everything that we have worked hard to get together so when I leave, I can't take anything with me. Shipping an entire household from Hawaii... um... yeah.. expensive!

So where does all this leave me? Well, I now know where HE is going to be moving. I know 'approximately' the time frame that he is moving. Now all I have to do is secure myself an apartment and get my ducks in a row for the big day.

At every turn in life, you have opportunities to change self-defeating habits and to stretch outside my comfort-zone and to end unhealthy relationships. I want to make everyday an expression of who I truly am. I just need to figure out how to embrace these changes. I know I have to take responsibilities for these changes. From the known, to the unknown. I know there are going to be anxiety, struggles and probably a sense of loss. But I have tried to change him. Not change him as in to be a new person, just a better person and that didn't (and still won't) work. So I need to change myself. I can't continue to waste my energy on things that will always be...

When I change myself, I will be able to live a happier, healthier and more fulfilling life.

My Life!

Just Keep Breathing...

I first want to thank you for visiting my site. Your words of encouragement mean more than you will ever know. Sometimes in life yes, you do have to take what comes up. But how much more is one person supposed to be able to take? I give, give, and give more than I have in me. It overwhelming at times, a lot of the time.

I sit and wonder sometimes just what will it take to say, “You know what?! I’m done! I’m just going to tap-out”. But what is a ‘breaking point’? Is it when he has 10 kids by someone other than his wife? When he…. Damn! I can’t even think of anything else. Does that mean that I’m at my breaking point already? It can’t be the little things that get to me every single day of my life. It’s the bigger things that I can’t get past. I’m not supposed to get past those. I know you suppose to forgive and forget. The thing I have trouble with most is the forgetting part. How can I forget? I have daily and constant reminders. Reminder that he has children with other women (uhem.. sluts) and the wrong that he has done. And the constant fear and certainty that he will do it again.

So why do I proceed to keep gasping for air? Why do I continue to just overlook the bad in a person? Why do I stay…? As I type today, the air is getting thick, my chest is getting heavier, and my heart is aching. Aching for the longing for freedom. Freedom meaning being free to be me. The freedom to breathe. The freedom to live.

This man, my husband, has put such a hard, heavy burden on me. Such a burden that I cannot take much more of. One that I will never be able to get back. Will I ever be able to love? Will I ever be able to forget? Will this taint me forever?

I don’t there has been one single day that I haven’t thought about his unfaithfulness. I think it about numerous times a day. I am almost condemned to say that I am obsessed with the thoughts. The thoughts, and memories, consume my every waking moment. My mornings, my days and my nights. They will not leave my mind and my heart.

Out of everything that he has done, and will continue to do, neither my friends nor my family know about any of this? They know only that our marriage has lasted 16 years and we seem to be able to put on our masks and everyone thinks we are just the happiest couple. I never told my family because I didn’t want them to treat him and different. Which I know they would because they love me and he hurt me. They would never forgive him. I have never told my any one of my friends, co workers or anyone for the fear. The fear of embarrassment.

I have only confided in one person. A person that understands me. A person that I will call Hunter. Hunter has no judgments of me. He would never judge me in any way. He sits with me and just listens. He pipes in with advice or words of encouragement ONLY when I need it or when I ask. He is very understanding and very honest. He knows everything about what I have been, and continue, to go through. I guess he is what you could call my outlet? I can talk to Hunter and afterwards, I feel as though I have life pretty much figured out. Well, for the moment anyway. So yes, there is someone in my life that I feel as though is actually on my side and not out to taint what little of hope and life I have left in me… I feel as though I can breathe.. that is until I get back to home/hell…

Where Are They...?

Today is just a normal day. It’s Monday and nothing exciting happens on Mondays. Oh! The Super Bowl was this weekend. Yah! . I had to sit there and listen to football almost all day. Joe thinks I like football. He goes on and on about how excited ‘I’ must be because football is coming on.. um… not! Has he ever asked me if I like it? No. He just takes things for granted. I guess it’s my fault because I don’t just come right and say it. God forbid if I did. That would probably cause an atomic bomb that would cause the end of the earth as we know it and I will be the blame for all the cocoa fields to vanish and never being able to eat chocolate again. I couldn’t have that riding on my conscience.

So what else? Have I told you that I am a younger sister? Yep! I’m the baby of the family. I have one older sister. No younger sisters. No brothers. Just the two of us. I always wanted a brother though. A big brother, someone that would take up for me and be there whenever I needed him. My sister, well let’s just say that she wasn’t around very much. I still have my dad living. I love him with all of my heart. I am SO a “Daddy’s Girl”. I just think that when he and my mom divorced (when I was 13) and my sister was ‘doing her own thing’, well, I lived with my Dad and I don’t think he really knew how to handle a girl, especially a 13 year old teenager. He worked a lot of long hours, mostly at night. So that meant that there wasn’t a lot of time for ‘us’ then. Not like it used to be. Now I see that I had a really good life. I had my best friend that lived across the street. I used to hang out with her and her family a lot when I was with my Amigos.

Why do we need men? And NO! I am NOT a lesbian! I am not about to turn into a lesbian! I just wonder why we need the male bonding thing? I love the way a man can touch you, caress you, and tell you that everything will be okay.. and believe them. The hardest part is the believing them. I know all men aren’t the same. I know that some men are assholes and I know that some men are the most compassionate, caring, gentle, giving, funny, passionate, soulful, and loving creature on the earth. I actually “know” of such a person, a man, but it’s not the man that I call my husband. So I know that there are good men out there. Why is it that I chose the one that is none of these things?

A good man is out there. One that is ready to make the lifelong, fairy tale, commitment. It just seems to me that the good ones are already taken…

16th Wedding Anniversary... ha!

So, here I am... Just 4 days after my 16th wedding anniversary. Yes, 16 years ago this past Friday, Joe and I were married. Now, 16 years later, I'm left wondering.. what did I get myself in to? How will I get myself out? I have been thinking really, really hard about what makes me continue to look at this man as a Husband? I have thought about making a list of pros and cons. But the more I think about it, I think it would be more like a list of hates and dislikes. I know hate is such a big, powerful word, yet I think and say it under my breath countless times a day. "I hate when he does ___", I hate when he says ___" , "I hate the way he __". I don't think he does things that I dislike. It's a hate... and I hate feeling/thinking like that. There aren't any cons. Well, there might be maybe one. But I have a hard time remembering/feeling the con(s). What I am about to 'try' to explain may sound like it's petty to some. But for me? It's hard. So, like I mentioned, Friday was our Anniversary. A day to remind each other about the love and commitment that you gave to someone when you said the words "I do". So I wake up on Friday morning to flowers on the counter. 3 roses. Wow! Surprising. Thought, "Okay, he remembered". So he comes into my work and without a "Good Morning" or "Happy Anniversary" or anything he says, "I need to make copies!". Well yes sir! Let me bow down and get that done for you right now... and by the way: Happy Freakin' Anniversary to you TOO! But instead of blurting it aloud like I have turrets syndrome or something, I just made the copies. That's when I noticed he wasn't even wearing his wedding band. But that's nothing normal, he never wears it anyway.
First 15 years he said he didn't wear it because of his job; he didn't want to get his finger 'blown off'' (insert sarcasm here). Now, for the past year, he says it's because everyone here knows he's married. Okay then Mr. Smarty Pants, I'll stop wearing mine too because, you know, "Everyone here knows I'm married, too!". Hmph! Gotcha! So now, neither wear our rings. Well, on occasion, I will wear mine. Not because he's in my heart, that I love him dearly, that I want to show the world that I belong to him. Nope! Just to shut him up. So I don't have to go through the whole: "Why aren't you wearing your ring? Well, why aren't you wearing yours!?" thing. I also do it just to keep up the whole questions from curious onlookers. Keeps the questions at bay, to keep up the whole charade until it's time for my plan to come to full circle. Speaking of my "Plan". I don't think I can make it until May. I was hoping that I would be able to make it until then but things are just so wrong that I can't. There is so much daily stress and so much hate that I don't want to live my life like this any longer! I want to leave now! What is keeping me from doing it? Well, again, I need to make a list. Here goes:

Staying until May:
* He may get sent to Iraq or Afghanistan (which is what he wants). If he does, then I could stay in the housing here for the next 15 months. He will be gone anyway so it wouldn't really make a difference whether I have my own place or paying rent somewhere.
* I could live in said housing for free. Meaning more money I could save up. LOTS more money.
* Divorce takes only 3 months here in Texas. If I leave now, he would start the divorce paperwork here, 3 months later we would be divorced which means I would loose my medical benefits. If he gets stationed somewhere else, it could take a year, in which I would be financially ready to pay for my own health coverage.

Leaving Now:
* Less stress
* I could save money (he likes to spend, I like to save)
* Less emotional strain on me
* I could say and do as I please
* I could walk around my own house without worrying I am 'disturbing him' or 'being too loud'
* I could start living my life again
* I could be ME again
* I could just breath........

These are not the only things that I could list. I could make a list of a million-and-one things on the Leaving Now list. But I won't. What good will that do? I know what I need to do. I know what I will do. But when? I want it to just be over... But I have to wait till the right time. But ever day that goes by, it gets easier and easier to tap-out. Be done with it. I'll tell you.. I'm almost there.

One more thing about our "Anniversary"? Guess where we went out to eat? Home... he didn't want to go anywhere... didn't want to take his wife out to dinner... oy........ the saga continues...