Tuesday, January 27, 2009

16th Wedding Anniversary... ha!

So, here I am... Just 4 days after my 16th wedding anniversary. Yes, 16 years ago this past Friday, Joe and I were married. Now, 16 years later, I'm left wondering.. what did I get myself in to? How will I get myself out? I have been thinking really, really hard about what makes me continue to look at this man as a Husband? I have thought about making a list of pros and cons. But the more I think about it, I think it would be more like a list of hates and dislikes. I know hate is such a big, powerful word, yet I think and say it under my breath countless times a day. "I hate when he does ___", I hate when he says ___" , "I hate the way he __". I don't think he does things that I dislike. It's a hate... and I hate feeling/thinking like that. There aren't any cons. Well, there might be maybe one. But I have a hard time remembering/feeling the con(s). What I am about to 'try' to explain may sound like it's petty to some. But for me? It's hard. So, like I mentioned, Friday was our Anniversary. A day to remind each other about the love and commitment that you gave to someone when you said the words "I do". So I wake up on Friday morning to flowers on the counter. 3 roses. Wow! Surprising. Thought, "Okay, he remembered". So he comes into my work and without a "Good Morning" or "Happy Anniversary" or anything he says, "I need to make copies!". Well yes sir! Let me bow down and get that done for you right now... and by the way: Happy Freakin' Anniversary to you TOO! But instead of blurting it aloud like I have turrets syndrome or something, I just made the copies. That's when I noticed he wasn't even wearing his wedding band. But that's nothing normal, he never wears it anyway.
First 15 years he said he didn't wear it because of his job; he didn't want to get his finger 'blown off'' (insert sarcasm here). Now, for the past year, he says it's because everyone here knows he's married. Okay then Mr. Smarty Pants, I'll stop wearing mine too because, you know, "Everyone here knows I'm married, too!". Hmph! Gotcha! So now, neither wear our rings. Well, on occasion, I will wear mine. Not because he's in my heart, that I love him dearly, that I want to show the world that I belong to him. Nope! Just to shut him up. So I don't have to go through the whole: "Why aren't you wearing your ring? Well, why aren't you wearing yours!?" thing. I also do it just to keep up the whole questions from curious onlookers. Keeps the questions at bay, to keep up the whole charade until it's time for my plan to come to full circle. Speaking of my "Plan". I don't think I can make it until May. I was hoping that I would be able to make it until then but things are just so wrong that I can't. There is so much daily stress and so much hate that I don't want to live my life like this any longer! I want to leave now! What is keeping me from doing it? Well, again, I need to make a list. Here goes:

Staying until May:
* He may get sent to Iraq or Afghanistan (which is what he wants). If he does, then I could stay in the housing here for the next 15 months. He will be gone anyway so it wouldn't really make a difference whether I have my own place or paying rent somewhere.
* I could live in said housing for free. Meaning more money I could save up. LOTS more money.
* Divorce takes only 3 months here in Texas. If I leave now, he would start the divorce paperwork here, 3 months later we would be divorced which means I would loose my medical benefits. If he gets stationed somewhere else, it could take a year, in which I would be financially ready to pay for my own health coverage.

Leaving Now:
* Less stress
* I could save money (he likes to spend, I like to save)
* Less emotional strain on me
* I could say and do as I please
* I could walk around my own house without worrying I am 'disturbing him' or 'being too loud'
* I could start living my life again
* I could be ME again
* I could just breath........

These are not the only things that I could list. I could make a list of a million-and-one things on the Leaving Now list. But I won't. What good will that do? I know what I need to do. I know what I will do. But when? I want it to just be over... But I have to wait till the right time. But ever day that goes by, it gets easier and easier to tap-out. Be done with it. I'll tell you.. I'm almost there.

One more thing about our "Anniversary"? Guess where we went out to eat? Home... he didn't want to go anywhere... didn't want to take his wife out to dinner... oy........ the saga continues...

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