Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Just Keep Breathing...

I first want to thank you for visiting my site. Your words of encouragement mean more than you will ever know. Sometimes in life yes, you do have to take what comes up. But how much more is one person supposed to be able to take? I give, give, and give more than I have in me. It overwhelming at times, a lot of the time.

I sit and wonder sometimes just what will it take to say, “You know what?! I’m done! I’m just going to tap-out”. But what is a ‘breaking point’? Is it when he has 10 kids by someone other than his wife? When he…. Damn! I can’t even think of anything else. Does that mean that I’m at my breaking point already? It can’t be the little things that get to me every single day of my life. It’s the bigger things that I can’t get past. I’m not supposed to get past those. I know you suppose to forgive and forget. The thing I have trouble with most is the forgetting part. How can I forget? I have daily and constant reminders. Reminder that he has children with other women (uhem.. sluts) and the wrong that he has done. And the constant fear and certainty that he will do it again.

So why do I proceed to keep gasping for air? Why do I continue to just overlook the bad in a person? Why do I stay…? As I type today, the air is getting thick, my chest is getting heavier, and my heart is aching. Aching for the longing for freedom. Freedom meaning being free to be me. The freedom to breathe. The freedom to live.

This man, my husband, has put such a hard, heavy burden on me. Such a burden that I cannot take much more of. One that I will never be able to get back. Will I ever be able to love? Will I ever be able to forget? Will this taint me forever?

I don’t there has been one single day that I haven’t thought about his unfaithfulness. I think it about numerous times a day. I am almost condemned to say that I am obsessed with the thoughts. The thoughts, and memories, consume my every waking moment. My mornings, my days and my nights. They will not leave my mind and my heart.

Out of everything that he has done, and will continue to do, neither my friends nor my family know about any of this? They know only that our marriage has lasted 16 years and we seem to be able to put on our masks and everyone thinks we are just the happiest couple. I never told my family because I didn’t want them to treat him and different. Which I know they would because they love me and he hurt me. They would never forgive him. I have never told my any one of my friends, co workers or anyone for the fear. The fear of embarrassment.

I have only confided in one person. A person that understands me. A person that I will call Hunter. Hunter has no judgments of me. He would never judge me in any way. He sits with me and just listens. He pipes in with advice or words of encouragement ONLY when I need it or when I ask. He is very understanding and very honest. He knows everything about what I have been, and continue, to go through. I guess he is what you could call my outlet? I can talk to Hunter and afterwards, I feel as though I have life pretty much figured out. Well, for the moment anyway. So yes, there is someone in my life that I feel as though is actually on my side and not out to taint what little of hope and life I have left in me… I feel as though I can breathe.. that is until I get back to home/hell…

1 comment:

  1. Hi, I read your blog yesterday (clicked over from Harlan's blog) and very nearly commented. But the fact is, I wasn't sure what to say to you. What can I say (a complete stranger) to you that would make a difference? You are obviously a person in a lot of pain and your husband sounds just awful. From the outside looking in, I can't believe that you would try to go on with him after he not only cheated, but made babies with TWO different women.

    But who am I? Just some stranger who has nothing to lose by saying that.

    But seriously, Amy, you sound like a smart enough woman and you already know how outrageous your story sounds. You already know that you are married to a man who has no respect for you ... or your marriage. You already know that he's not going to change just because you wish he would.

    The fact that you've never mentioned in 16 years of marriage that you don't like football tells a lot. He's such a selfish, controlling person that he never NOTICED? I hate football and believe me - everybody knows that. haha

    I am going to offer advice and you can do with it what you want. Try not to use "Hunter" as your excuse to leave. You don't need one. You don't have to fall in love to be justified in leaving this man. He's given you enough damned good reasons without involving another man. If Hunter is a man you've interested in, divorce your husband first. You'll have a clear conscious and you won't start a new relationship with that hanging over your head. In fact, consider going into therapy before you start another relationship with a man. Good luck! And I will be reading. ...