Monday, January 19, 2009

One... Two... more?

Second blog entry and I have completly, already, lost my train of thought.. where was I? Oh! So I met my husband. Let's call him 'Joe' since he is in the Army. Seems fitting.

So, while Joe and I were dating he wasn't the most 'loyal' person. I know that. I knew that. I'm not sure what I was looking for in life. I thought marriage was a fairy tale. You know, like when Romeo and Juliet would litterally die for eachother.. oh wait... that was a true story wasn't it? Anywho, I thought that is what love/marriage was. A committment. A lifetime. A forever. Where was my family and friends growing up to tell me that is wasn't? I should have known when my parents divorced when I was 13. Yes, my dad cheated on my mom. Is that how marriages work? I guessed it was.

When Joe and I got married, his mom did somethings that made me want to re-think the entire thing. Not because of what she did... but because Joe went along with it. His mom is a huge influence in his life. Also of Joe's actions... I should have called it quits a long time ago.

You see, Joe has always been a cheater. Plain and simple. There is no way that it can be described except the simple way. Cheater. I knew this when I married him but being so young and gulliable, I guess you sometimes think that you can change a person. Change who they are. Well, you can change a person but it's not always a good thing. Sometimes you can be changed to a new person that is not you anymore (more on this subject later). Joe once told me, when we were dating and he was in a druken state of mind, that he couldn't be trusted. When I was the first one to say the 3 forbidden words. I.Love.You. His response? "I couldn't be trusted in a bar with a room full of women if I was drunk". That ladies (or men) is your first clue to run! Run like you've never ran before. Run like a rabbid wolf was coming after your last piece of cheesecake that your grandmother hand made for you for your Sweet Sixteenth birthday party!

I always thought I could change Joe. Not only for his cheating ways but the way he talks to people, the way he talks to me. At first everything was all lovey-dovey. You know, when you get those butterflies that seem to make your insides flutter with the sight of the love of your life? The feeling you get just hearing his voice that makes your hiney cringe? Yeah, I remember those days. It's hard to remember them anymore though. It's been a long time since my hiney cringed. I cringe still today. Although it is now a cringe that makes you want to ball up and go to sleep. Never to wake up to find that man laying beside you anymore. No, I don't mean kill him. Just not having to deal with him anymore.

I often sit back and wonder how we got to this place? Then I realize, we didn't get here. He brought us here! 8 years ago, this coming June, is where it all started going wrong. Joe went to another state for some Army school. It was a 3 month school and I/we had said that I would fly up there and watch his graduation. It was a great career boosting school. He would get promoted to a much higher rank. Well, when Joe left he didn't know the graduation date so no permanent plans were made on my fly dates. When 3 weeks after he left, and school was in session, I kept asking him when his graduation date was so I could make travel plans (I am SO a planner). He kept saying that he didn't know. A few more weeks went by and he said that I needed to wait a little longer because the school was very very hard and he wasn't sure that he was going to pass and graduate or not. Little did I know.. he was putting me off. Come to find out, he was fucking a stripper! (remember when I said that strip clubs weren't bad? I lied!). Long story short... I flew up there for the weekend (unannounced). Just in time to find out the stipper girl was now pregnant... Oy! Apparently there were 3 men that could have fathered her child so we waiting patiently for a DNA test to come back. Joe was the only one that took the test (still wondering if there were really 3 men involved since he was the only one tested). So while were vacationed in Cozumel, trying to 'work things out', the test came back. Joe's sprem impregnanted a slutty stripper. Wow! What is a girl/wife suppose to do now? Run? Well, being the obidient wife that I am, trying to make my fairy tale marriage work, I stayed. I supported him. I wish I could say that I forgave him but I can't. I thought I had but I still, 8 years later, have not. It still aches my heart. Sometimes when I think about it (which is still daily) my heart feels like it gets so big, pumps blood so hard, that I think it will blow out of my chest. I can not breath.. I gasp for air. Like the song that Jordan Sparks sings... How can I breath with no air?

But I continued to live...

Fast forward. Joe deployed to Iraq for 12 months. I worrried about him all the time. Is his safe? Is he hungry? Is he missing me? I stayed at home every minute that I wasn't at work. I waited by a silent phone.. day and night... I was now living in a forgein country, Germany. The Army had picked us up and moved us to Germany. I loved Germany. I wanted to go 'see the world'. I wanted experience life and the life of Germany. I didn't. Instead of traveling with my friends to Paris, London, Italy.. I sat by a silent phone. Waiting for the next time he got a chance to call. When the calls finally did come, he was different. Quiet, reserved, non-conversational. I thought is was the war and being away from home. Well, I know now what was keeping him at a distance. It wasn't the 1,800 miles that serparted us. It was more women. Yep! I still hadn't changed his cheating heart.

He came home. The very first morning that we woke up together.. his cell phone rings. It was 'her'. The slut that he was screwing while his wife was waiting endlessly for her husband to call and tell her that he is safe. The first morning of all things. Wow.

Fast forward 14 months later. Joe deploys to Iraq again. This time for 15 months. Wow. That's a long time. Can I make it another 15 months? But the better question should have been: Can he make it another 15 months? I know that he will be safe but can he be loyal? Well, I have soon come to find out that the answer, that I knew all along, was NO. He couldn't. Guess what? He has another baby now. Yep. Makes 2 for him, none for me (I am unable to have children of my own). This time he was fucking a married Captain the entire time he was down there. Oh yeah, he claims that it isn't his kid, that she is only sending detailed information via email to him to "try and break up his marriage". What a crock of shit! He is only denying it because him and her both can get in some serious, serious trouble because they were/are both married when this happened. How do I know all this? Well girls (and guys), let me tell you! You gotta get the emails! Everyday, 10 times a day I check Joe's email. He has NO clue that I do this. He is so damn stupid that he doesn't know that I have his passwords. When she send him emails, I forward them to my email and then delete them from his. That way I have proof! I have over 40 emails, incriminating emails. If I ever decided to go to my boss, oh by the way is also Joe's boss, with these emails and acquisations, they are BOTH FINISHED!!!

But at this point, all I will do (for now) is hold on to these emails until my 'plan' to leave is complete. I will be financially and emotionally ready by the time May gets here. You see, Joe is in school right now. A very elite school. And if I decide to take what I know to my/his boss, he is through! Gone. Kaput. His entire military career (which he has 19 years in) is over. But I won't do anything until my plan is completed. Hee Hee Haa Haa Ho Ho.....

Okay... need more coffee... will tell more of my dramatic (or not so dramatic) life tomorrow. There is sooo much more.. you don't want to miss the good stuff :)

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