Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Change Is Good... right?

I know it's been a few days since my last 'sitting' but I'm not sure what to write/talk about. I come here today feeling more and more confused (but what else is new)? I always feel confused.
So, as I mentioned before, Joe is in the military. He/we just found out the other day that he will be getting stationed in Hawaii. The report date for him to be there is 1 July. I have to say that getting this assignment is bittersweet. 'Back-in-the-day' I would have already been in my coconut bra and grass skirt and would already be sitting on the plane, waiting impatiently for take off. Now... I sit here and I wonder what it would be like now. How nice it would be to wake up every single morning, put on a bathing suit and head to the beach.. for the day! Then come home, put on a flowery sundress and head to the nearest luau. Sit by an open fire, with a full belly, and watch the sunset over the calm, beautiful sea-green water while sipping spirits out of a coconut with a pretty umbrella, of course delivered to me by a handsome Hawaiian wearing nothing but a grass skirt.
Bzzzzz! (that it the sound of my internal alarm clock, snapping me back to reality)! I can't go to Hawaii! Would things be any different there? Thousands of miles away from my friends and family. Away from 'civilization? Um... no. I know this to be true.
I was talking to 'Joe' the other night (he doesn't know of my 'plan' to leave, yet). I was telling him that I didn't feel comfortable going all the way to Hawaii with the unresolved issues that him and I have. That I didn't want to be 'stuck' overseas if/when things didn't work out. Then I told him that I would not be shipping my SUV to Hawaii (I didn't want him to make plans to ship MY vehicle knowing that I wasn't going). I told him that I would just leave it stateside and buy a hooptie car in Hawaii. He blew a freakin' cork! Here's the deal... It is going to cost $2,500 to ship MY vehicle to Hawaii. I told him that I could leave my vehicle stateside and use the $2,500 to buy a little car over there. But he was determined to ship my vehicle to Hawaii. I told him that I had NO voice and NO opinion on this matter what-so-ever! That HE has made the decision for both of us! That is NOT how this is going to work. Get this, he said he would 'sleep on it". Um... NO! I will NOT ship my vehicle to Hawaii because I am not going! I think he wants to ship everything that we have worked hard to get together so when I leave, I can't take anything with me. Shipping an entire household from Hawaii... um... yeah.. expensive!
So where does all this leave me? Well, I now know where HE is going to be moving. I know 'approximately' the time frame that he is moving. Now all I have to do is secure myself an apartment and get my ducks in a row for the big day.
At every turn in life, you have opportunities to change self-defeating habits and to stretch outside my comfort-zone and to end unhealthy relationships. I want to make everyday an expression of who I truly am. I just need to figure out how to embrace these changes. I know I have to take responsibilities for these changes. From the known, to the unknown. I know there are going to be anxiety, struggles and probably a sense of loss. But I have tried to change him. Not change him as in to be a new person, just a better person and that didn't (and still won't) work. So I need to change myself. I can't continue to waste my energy on things that will always be...
When I change myself, I will be able to live a happier, healthier and more fulfilling life.
My Life!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Just Keep Breathing...

I first want to thank you for visiting my site. Your words of encouragement mean more than you will ever know. Sometimes in life yes, you do have to take what comes up. But how much more is one person supposed to be able to take? I give, give, and give more than I have in me. It overwhelming at times, a lot of the time.

I sit and wonder sometimes just what will it take to say, “You know what?! I’m done! I’m just going to tap-out”. But what is a ‘breaking point’? Is it when he has 10 kids by someone other than his wife? When he…. Damn! I can’t even think of anything else. Does that mean that I’m at my breaking point already? It can’t be the little things that get to me every single day of my life. It’s the bigger things that I can’t get past. I’m not supposed to get past those. I know you suppose to forgive and forget. The thing I have trouble with most is the forgetting part. How can I forget? I have daily and constant reminders. Reminder that he has children with other women (uhem.. sluts) and the wrong that he has done. And the constant fear and certainty that he will do it again.

So why do I proceed to keep gasping for air? Why do I continue to just overlook the bad in a person? Why do I stay…? As I type today, the air is getting thick, my chest is getting heavier, and my heart is aching. Aching for the longing for freedom. Freedom meaning being free to be me. The freedom to breathe. The freedom to live.

This man, my husband, has put such a hard, heavy burden on me. Such a burden that I cannot take much more of. One that I will never be able to get back. Will I ever be able to love? Will I ever be able to forget? Will this taint me forever?

I don’t there has been one single day that I haven’t thought about his unfaithfulness. I think it about numerous times a day. I am almost condemned to say that I am obsessed with the thoughts. The thoughts, and memories, consume my every waking moment. My mornings, my days and my nights. They will not leave my mind and my heart.

Out of everything that he has done, and will continue to do, neither my friends nor my family know about any of this? They know only that our marriage has lasted 16 years and we seem to be able to put on our masks and everyone thinks we are just the happiest couple. I never told my family because I didn’t want them to treat him and different. Which I know they would because they love me and he hurt me. They would never forgive him. I have never told my any one of my friends, co workers or anyone for the fear. The fear of embarrassment.

I have only confided in one person. A person that understands me. A person that I will call Hunter. Hunter has no judgments of me. He would never judge me in any way. He sits with me and just listens. He pipes in with advice or words of encouragement ONLY when I need it or when I ask. He is very understanding and very honest. He knows everything about what I have been, and continue, to go through. I guess he is what you could call my outlet? I can talk to Hunter and afterwards, I feel as though I have life pretty much figured out. Well, for the moment anyway. So yes, there is someone in my life that I feel as though is actually on my side and not out to taint what little of hope and life I have left in me… I feel as though I can breathe.. that is until I get back to home/hell…

Monday, February 2, 2009

Where Are They...?

Today is just a normal day. It’s Monday and nothing exciting happens on Mondays. Oh! The Super Bowl was this weekend. Yah! . I had to sit there and listen to football almost all day. Joe thinks I like football. He goes on and on about how excited ‘I’ must be because football is coming on.. um… not! Has he ever asked me if I like it? No. He just takes things for granted. I guess it’s my fault because I don’t just come right and say it. God forbid if I did. That would probably cause an atomic bomb that would cause the end of the earth as we know it and I will be the blame for all the cocoa fields to vanish and never being able to eat chocolate again. I couldn’t have that riding on my conscience.

So what else? Have I told you that I am a younger sister? Yep! I’m the baby of the family. I have one older sister. No younger sisters. No brothers. Just the two of us. I always wanted a brother though. A big brother, someone that would take up for me and be there whenever I needed him. My sister, well let’s just say that she wasn’t around very much. I still have my dad living. I love him with all of my heart. I am SO a “Daddy’s Girl”. I just think that when he and my mom divorced (when I was 13) and my sister was ‘doing her own thing’, well, I lived with my Dad and I don’t think he really knew how to handle a girl, especially a 13 year old teenager. He worked a lot of long hours, mostly at night. So that meant that there wasn’t a lot of time for ‘us’ then. Not like it used to be. Now I see that I had a really good life. I had my best friend that lived across the street. I used to hang out with her and her family a lot when I was with my Amigos.

Why do we need men? And NO! I am NOT a lesbian! I am not about to turn into a lesbian! I just wonder why we need the male bonding thing? I love the way a man can touch you, caress you, and tell you that everything will be okay.. and believe them. The hardest part is the believing them. I know all men aren’t the same. I know that some men are assholes and I know that some men are the most compassionate, caring, gentle, giving, funny, passionate, soulful, and loving creature on the earth. I actually “know” of such a person, a man, but it’s not the man that I call my husband. So I know that there are good men out there. Why is it that I chose the one that is none of these things?

A good man is out there. One that is ready to make the lifelong, fairy tale, commitment. It just seems to me that the good ones are already taken…