Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Almost Free...

I am so relieved. I officially move out this Friday!!! I haven't been staying in my house (walking the green mile) for a week now. I couldn't move into my apartment until Friday. My belongings are packed up and the divorce paperwork has been filed. I can not be more happy than I am at this exact moment! Almost Free....

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I Shall Call Him "Dirk"

Wow! Has it really been that long since I blogged? Wow! So much has happened…

For starters, Joe is no longer going to Hawaii. He is now going to Kentucky. Isn’t Karma a bitch? He wanted to go SO bad to Hawaii. Bragging and boasting about how I am going to miss out on sooo much by not going with him. Joe is a “City Boy” (using the word ‘boy’ very loosely) and now going to what he calls ‘Redneck Country’. Haha Booya Biotch!

So, Joe has ‘finally’ accepted his fate that I am leaving. Well, he still begs for sex (which I will NOT give him) because my ‘lady parts’ are made of steel. I can hold out for a really really long time because face it, a girl can take care of her own needs and knows exactly what and how she likes it. I must have been good at something. ;)

I’m not saying that this transition has been smooth sailing. It has been all but that at times. It’s hard when you have 17 years invested in something/someone. You get to learn people and you sometimes learn when they are using their poker face and when they are being honest, but you also learn how ugly, mean, vindictive and hurtful people can be. There have been times when Joe has been down right mean and mentally and emotionally abusive. He has never hit me. But there has been a few times where his rages have caused me to second guess just what he may be capable of.

He asked me the other day why I am not showing him any emotions. Well, let me tell you. I am SO over being emotional. I have been an emotional wreck for years and those days are so gone. Gone forever.

When people hear about our separation and upcoming divorce, their first response is sorrow. I tell them to NOT feel sorry for me. I want them to be HAPPY for me. Happy that I can be myself and no longer be the person that I was before. I am the happiest right now in my life than I have EVER been.

Should I dare say that I have a person in my life at this exact moment that ‘gets’ me? Someone that I can trust to someday (maybe) hold the key to my ‘Forever Happiness’? I have been fighting demons for a very long time. Both external and internal. I will not ever make decisions for anyone else but me. This person makes me happy.

I shall call him “Dirk”. Dirk is understanding, honest, sensual, sexy, smart, witty, gentle, funny, fun, hard-working, non-judgmental, educated, caring, kind, erotic, a great dad, a wonderful son, a great brother, amazing, masculine, confident, ambitious, goal oriented, secure, patient, easy going, exciting, likable/lovable, responsible, beautiful, wise, athletic, well dressed, generous, friendly, compassionate, happy, intelligent, warm, cozy, comfortable, magnificent, delicious, rare, yummy, gorgeous, generous, passionate, clever, cheerful, sensitive, grateful, naughty, soft, straightforward, forgiving, faithful, sweet, trustworthy, energetic… but most of all… loyal…

The list could go on and on but I will save it. He is so sweet and giving that I don’t want to bore you with all the details. Let’s just say that I am FINALLY HAPPY! He is everything that I could ever want and everything that I have prayed for in my entire life…

Love, Amy J

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Will Is There...

Life is moving along. A few things to mention?:

Joe is still an asshole. I am starting to voice more things around him. Such things as, “You have got to have the worse eating habits of anyone or anything that I have ever heard/seen in my life!” and such as “Why do you ask me why I am going to the grocery store.. um… for groceries!” The only thing is, I haven’t sternly enough told him that I am not going to Hawaii with him. I just feel like I need more time to finish what I have planned (ex: more money saved, deposit on an apartment (although I have found one), electricity turned on, etc). You know, necessities. I have however talked to my supervisor and her brother used to work for a moving company. So he has agreed to help me move when the time is nearer. He is not charging nearly as much as he should. I feel like I might even be paying him sweat-shop laborer price so depending on how efficient he is, I will give him a little extra. I should be able to afford as much by then.

Things at home are not better. I lie in bed at night and can hear Joe breathe. I can not even stand to hear the sound of his breath anymore. He doesn’t snore and doesn’t even make actual noises but still, I can hear him and it disgusts me. I feel bad at times as I don’t even want to talk to him. Not even about day-to-day things in general. Not even small talk about the weather. I think sometimes that I am down right rude to him when I answer him but damn! Isn’t what he has done to me rude (to say the least)?

Work is my sanctuary. I really enjoy coming to work. I hate weekends, as I am off on weekends. I look forward to Mondays. Now ‘that’ is weird! But it is my time away from him. Yes, his school is on the campus that I work on, and maybe once a week he will walk the 50 yards to come into my workplace, just to start shit. But other than that? I enjoy it as #1) I don’t have to be around him #2) I work with the best, most supportive group of coworkers, they are a God-send #3) There are so many people that come in my workplace, throughout the day, that makes me laugh and are thankful for me in some sort of way or another. Makes me remember how un-stressful life is supposed to be. So yeah, bring on the Mondays!!!

Sorry for the updates, or lack there of. I just feel like that nothing has really changed. I am still disappointed that things are still the same, no changes. But trust me.. The thought (and the will) is still in motion. I just have to wait until the right time. I just add to my nightly prayers that I will have the courage, commitment and the strength to get me through all of this.

Thanks for stopping by to check on me. I’m holding my own and will try to get these ‘things’ out of my head and into future posts.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Change Is Good... right?

I know it's been a few days since my last 'sitting' but I'm not sure what to write/talk about. I come here today feeling more and more confused (but what else is new)? I always feel confused.
So, as I mentioned before, Joe is in the military. He/we just found out the other day that he will be getting stationed in Hawaii. The report date for him to be there is 1 July. I have to say that getting this assignment is bittersweet. 'Back-in-the-day' I would have already been in my coconut bra and grass skirt and would already be sitting on the plane, waiting impatiently for take off. Now... I sit here and I wonder what it would be like now. How nice it would be to wake up every single morning, put on a bathing suit and head to the beach.. for the day! Then come home, put on a flowery sundress and head to the nearest luau. Sit by an open fire, with a full belly, and watch the sunset over the calm, beautiful sea-green water while sipping spirits out of a coconut with a pretty umbrella, of course delivered to me by a handsome Hawaiian wearing nothing but a grass skirt.
Bzzzzz! (that it the sound of my internal alarm clock, snapping me back to reality)! I can't go to Hawaii! Would things be any different there? Thousands of miles away from my friends and family. Away from 'civilization? Um... no. I know this to be true.
I was talking to 'Joe' the other night (he doesn't know of my 'plan' to leave, yet). I was telling him that I didn't feel comfortable going all the way to Hawaii with the unresolved issues that him and I have. That I didn't want to be 'stuck' overseas if/when things didn't work out. Then I told him that I would not be shipping my SUV to Hawaii (I didn't want him to make plans to ship MY vehicle knowing that I wasn't going). I told him that I would just leave it stateside and buy a hooptie car in Hawaii. He blew a freakin' cork! Here's the deal... It is going to cost $2,500 to ship MY vehicle to Hawaii. I told him that I could leave my vehicle stateside and use the $2,500 to buy a little car over there. But he was determined to ship my vehicle to Hawaii. I told him that I had NO voice and NO opinion on this matter what-so-ever! That HE has made the decision for both of us! That is NOT how this is going to work. Get this, he said he would 'sleep on it". Um... NO! I will NOT ship my vehicle to Hawaii because I am not going! I think he wants to ship everything that we have worked hard to get together so when I leave, I can't take anything with me. Shipping an entire household from Hawaii... um... yeah.. expensive!
So where does all this leave me? Well, I now know where HE is going to be moving. I know 'approximately' the time frame that he is moving. Now all I have to do is secure myself an apartment and get my ducks in a row for the big day.
At every turn in life, you have opportunities to change self-defeating habits and to stretch outside my comfort-zone and to end unhealthy relationships. I want to make everyday an expression of who I truly am. I just need to figure out how to embrace these changes. I know I have to take responsibilities for these changes. From the known, to the unknown. I know there are going to be anxiety, struggles and probably a sense of loss. But I have tried to change him. Not change him as in to be a new person, just a better person and that didn't (and still won't) work. So I need to change myself. I can't continue to waste my energy on things that will always be...
When I change myself, I will be able to live a happier, healthier and more fulfilling life.
My Life!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Just Keep Breathing...

I first want to thank you for visiting my site. Your words of encouragement mean more than you will ever know. Sometimes in life yes, you do have to take what comes up. But how much more is one person supposed to be able to take? I give, give, and give more than I have in me. It overwhelming at times, a lot of the time.

I sit and wonder sometimes just what will it take to say, “You know what?! I’m done! I’m just going to tap-out”. But what is a ‘breaking point’? Is it when he has 10 kids by someone other than his wife? When he…. Damn! I can’t even think of anything else. Does that mean that I’m at my breaking point already? It can’t be the little things that get to me every single day of my life. It’s the bigger things that I can’t get past. I’m not supposed to get past those. I know you suppose to forgive and forget. The thing I have trouble with most is the forgetting part. How can I forget? I have daily and constant reminders. Reminder that he has children with other women (uhem.. sluts) and the wrong that he has done. And the constant fear and certainty that he will do it again.

So why do I proceed to keep gasping for air? Why do I continue to just overlook the bad in a person? Why do I stay…? As I type today, the air is getting thick, my chest is getting heavier, and my heart is aching. Aching for the longing for freedom. Freedom meaning being free to be me. The freedom to breathe. The freedom to live.

This man, my husband, has put such a hard, heavy burden on me. Such a burden that I cannot take much more of. One that I will never be able to get back. Will I ever be able to love? Will I ever be able to forget? Will this taint me forever?

I don’t there has been one single day that I haven’t thought about his unfaithfulness. I think it about numerous times a day. I am almost condemned to say that I am obsessed with the thoughts. The thoughts, and memories, consume my every waking moment. My mornings, my days and my nights. They will not leave my mind and my heart.

Out of everything that he has done, and will continue to do, neither my friends nor my family know about any of this? They know only that our marriage has lasted 16 years and we seem to be able to put on our masks and everyone thinks we are just the happiest couple. I never told my family because I didn’t want them to treat him and different. Which I know they would because they love me and he hurt me. They would never forgive him. I have never told my any one of my friends, co workers or anyone for the fear. The fear of embarrassment.

I have only confided in one person. A person that understands me. A person that I will call Hunter. Hunter has no judgments of me. He would never judge me in any way. He sits with me and just listens. He pipes in with advice or words of encouragement ONLY when I need it or when I ask. He is very understanding and very honest. He knows everything about what I have been, and continue, to go through. I guess he is what you could call my outlet? I can talk to Hunter and afterwards, I feel as though I have life pretty much figured out. Well, for the moment anyway. So yes, there is someone in my life that I feel as though is actually on my side and not out to taint what little of hope and life I have left in me… I feel as though I can breathe.. that is until I get back to home/hell…

Monday, February 2, 2009

Where Are They...?

Today is just a normal day. It’s Monday and nothing exciting happens on Mondays. Oh! The Super Bowl was this weekend. Yah! . I had to sit there and listen to football almost all day. Joe thinks I like football. He goes on and on about how excited ‘I’ must be because football is coming on.. um… not! Has he ever asked me if I like it? No. He just takes things for granted. I guess it’s my fault because I don’t just come right and say it. God forbid if I did. That would probably cause an atomic bomb that would cause the end of the earth as we know it and I will be the blame for all the cocoa fields to vanish and never being able to eat chocolate again. I couldn’t have that riding on my conscience.

So what else? Have I told you that I am a younger sister? Yep! I’m the baby of the family. I have one older sister. No younger sisters. No brothers. Just the two of us. I always wanted a brother though. A big brother, someone that would take up for me and be there whenever I needed him. My sister, well let’s just say that she wasn’t around very much. I still have my dad living. I love him with all of my heart. I am SO a “Daddy’s Girl”. I just think that when he and my mom divorced (when I was 13) and my sister was ‘doing her own thing’, well, I lived with my Dad and I don’t think he really knew how to handle a girl, especially a 13 year old teenager. He worked a lot of long hours, mostly at night. So that meant that there wasn’t a lot of time for ‘us’ then. Not like it used to be. Now I see that I had a really good life. I had my best friend that lived across the street. I used to hang out with her and her family a lot when I was with my Amigos.

Why do we need men? And NO! I am NOT a lesbian! I am not about to turn into a lesbian! I just wonder why we need the male bonding thing? I love the way a man can touch you, caress you, and tell you that everything will be okay.. and believe them. The hardest part is the believing them. I know all men aren’t the same. I know that some men are assholes and I know that some men are the most compassionate, caring, gentle, giving, funny, passionate, soulful, and loving creature on the earth. I actually “know” of such a person, a man, but it’s not the man that I call my husband. So I know that there are good men out there. Why is it that I chose the one that is none of these things?

A good man is out there. One that is ready to make the lifelong, fairy tale, commitment. It just seems to me that the good ones are already taken…

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

16th Wedding Anniversary... ha!

So, here I am... Just 4 days after my 16th wedding anniversary. Yes, 16 years ago this past Friday, Joe and I were married. Now, 16 years later, I'm left wondering.. what did I get myself in to? How will I get myself out? I have been thinking really, really hard about what makes me continue to look at this man as a Husband? I have thought about making a list of pros and cons. But the more I think about it, I think it would be more like a list of hates and dislikes. I know hate is such a big, powerful word, yet I think and say it under my breath countless times a day. "I hate when he does ___", I hate when he says ___" , "I hate the way he __". I don't think he does things that I dislike. It's a hate... and I hate feeling/thinking like that. There aren't any cons. Well, there might be maybe one. But I have a hard time remembering/feeling the con(s). What I am about to 'try' to explain may sound like it's petty to some. But for me? It's hard. So, like I mentioned, Friday was our Anniversary. A day to remind each other about the love and commitment that you gave to someone when you said the words "I do". So I wake up on Friday morning to flowers on the counter. 3 roses. Wow! Surprising. Thought, "Okay, he remembered". So he comes into my work and without a "Good Morning" or "Happy Anniversary" or anything he says, "I need to make copies!". Well yes sir! Let me bow down and get that done for you right now... and by the way: Happy Freakin' Anniversary to you TOO! But instead of blurting it aloud like I have turrets syndrome or something, I just made the copies. That's when I noticed he wasn't even wearing his wedding band. But that's nothing normal, he never wears it anyway.
First 15 years he said he didn't wear it because of his job; he didn't want to get his finger 'blown off'' (insert sarcasm here). Now, for the past year, he says it's because everyone here knows he's married. Okay then Mr. Smarty Pants, I'll stop wearing mine too because, you know, "Everyone here knows I'm married, too!". Hmph! Gotcha! So now, neither wear our rings. Well, on occasion, I will wear mine. Not because he's in my heart, that I love him dearly, that I want to show the world that I belong to him. Nope! Just to shut him up. So I don't have to go through the whole: "Why aren't you wearing your ring? Well, why aren't you wearing yours!?" thing. I also do it just to keep up the whole questions from curious onlookers. Keeps the questions at bay, to keep up the whole charade until it's time for my plan to come to full circle. Speaking of my "Plan". I don't think I can make it until May. I was hoping that I would be able to make it until then but things are just so wrong that I can't. There is so much daily stress and so much hate that I don't want to live my life like this any longer! I want to leave now! What is keeping me from doing it? Well, again, I need to make a list. Here goes:

Staying until May:
* He may get sent to Iraq or Afghanistan (which is what he wants). If he does, then I could stay in the housing here for the next 15 months. He will be gone anyway so it wouldn't really make a difference whether I have my own place or paying rent somewhere.
* I could live in said housing for free. Meaning more money I could save up. LOTS more money.
* Divorce takes only 3 months here in Texas. If I leave now, he would start the divorce paperwork here, 3 months later we would be divorced which means I would loose my medical benefits. If he gets stationed somewhere else, it could take a year, in which I would be financially ready to pay for my own health coverage.

Leaving Now:
* Less stress
* I could save money (he likes to spend, I like to save)
* Less emotional strain on me
* I could say and do as I please
* I could walk around my own house without worrying I am 'disturbing him' or 'being too loud'
* I could start living my life again
* I could be ME again
* I could just breath........

These are not the only things that I could list. I could make a list of a million-and-one things on the Leaving Now list. But I won't. What good will that do? I know what I need to do. I know what I will do. But when? I want it to just be over... But I have to wait till the right time. But ever day that goes by, it gets easier and easier to tap-out. Be done with it. I'll tell you.. I'm almost there.

One more thing about our "Anniversary"? Guess where we went out to eat? Home... he didn't want to go anywhere... didn't want to take his wife out to dinner... oy........ the saga continues...

Monday, January 19, 2009

One... Two... more?

Second blog entry and I have completly, already, lost my train of thought.. where was I? Oh! So I met my husband. Let's call him 'Joe' since he is in the Army. Seems fitting.

So, while Joe and I were dating he wasn't the most 'loyal' person. I know that. I knew that. I'm not sure what I was looking for in life. I thought marriage was a fairy tale. You know, like when Romeo and Juliet would litterally die for eachother.. oh wait... that was a true story wasn't it? Anywho, I thought that is what love/marriage was. A committment. A lifetime. A forever. Where was my family and friends growing up to tell me that is wasn't? I should have known when my parents divorced when I was 13. Yes, my dad cheated on my mom. Is that how marriages work? I guessed it was.

When Joe and I got married, his mom did somethings that made me want to re-think the entire thing. Not because of what she did... but because Joe went along with it. His mom is a huge influence in his life. Also of Joe's actions... I should have called it quits a long time ago.

You see, Joe has always been a cheater. Plain and simple. There is no way that it can be described except the simple way. Cheater. I knew this when I married him but being so young and gulliable, I guess you sometimes think that you can change a person. Change who they are. Well, you can change a person but it's not always a good thing. Sometimes you can be changed to a new person that is not you anymore (more on this subject later). Joe once told me, when we were dating and he was in a druken state of mind, that he couldn't be trusted. When I was the first one to say the 3 forbidden words. I.Love.You. His response? "I couldn't be trusted in a bar with a room full of women if I was drunk". That ladies (or men) is your first clue to run! Run like you've never ran before. Run like a rabbid wolf was coming after your last piece of cheesecake that your grandmother hand made for you for your Sweet Sixteenth birthday party!

I always thought I could change Joe. Not only for his cheating ways but the way he talks to people, the way he talks to me. At first everything was all lovey-dovey. You know, when you get those butterflies that seem to make your insides flutter with the sight of the love of your life? The feeling you get just hearing his voice that makes your hiney cringe? Yeah, I remember those days. It's hard to remember them anymore though. It's been a long time since my hiney cringed. I cringe still today. Although it is now a cringe that makes you want to ball up and go to sleep. Never to wake up to find that man laying beside you anymore. No, I don't mean kill him. Just not having to deal with him anymore.

I often sit back and wonder how we got to this place? Then I realize, we didn't get here. He brought us here! 8 years ago, this coming June, is where it all started going wrong. Joe went to another state for some Army school. It was a 3 month school and I/we had said that I would fly up there and watch his graduation. It was a great career boosting school. He would get promoted to a much higher rank. Well, when Joe left he didn't know the graduation date so no permanent plans were made on my fly dates. When 3 weeks after he left, and school was in session, I kept asking him when his graduation date was so I could make travel plans (I am SO a planner). He kept saying that he didn't know. A few more weeks went by and he said that I needed to wait a little longer because the school was very very hard and he wasn't sure that he was going to pass and graduate or not. Little did I know.. he was putting me off. Come to find out, he was fucking a stripper! (remember when I said that strip clubs weren't bad? I lied!). Long story short... I flew up there for the weekend (unannounced). Just in time to find out the stipper girl was now pregnant... Oy! Apparently there were 3 men that could have fathered her child so we waiting patiently for a DNA test to come back. Joe was the only one that took the test (still wondering if there were really 3 men involved since he was the only one tested). So while were vacationed in Cozumel, trying to 'work things out', the test came back. Joe's sprem impregnanted a slutty stripper. Wow! What is a girl/wife suppose to do now? Run? Well, being the obidient wife that I am, trying to make my fairy tale marriage work, I stayed. I supported him. I wish I could say that I forgave him but I can't. I thought I had but I still, 8 years later, have not. It still aches my heart. Sometimes when I think about it (which is still daily) my heart feels like it gets so big, pumps blood so hard, that I think it will blow out of my chest. I can not breath.. I gasp for air. Like the song that Jordan Sparks sings... How can I breath with no air?

But I continued to live...

Fast forward. Joe deployed to Iraq for 12 months. I worrried about him all the time. Is his safe? Is he hungry? Is he missing me? I stayed at home every minute that I wasn't at work. I waited by a silent phone.. day and night... I was now living in a forgein country, Germany. The Army had picked us up and moved us to Germany. I loved Germany. I wanted to go 'see the world'. I wanted experience life and the life of Germany. I didn't. Instead of traveling with my friends to Paris, London, Italy.. I sat by a silent phone. Waiting for the next time he got a chance to call. When the calls finally did come, he was different. Quiet, reserved, non-conversational. I thought is was the war and being away from home. Well, I know now what was keeping him at a distance. It wasn't the 1,800 miles that serparted us. It was more women. Yep! I still hadn't changed his cheating heart.

He came home. The very first morning that we woke up together.. his cell phone rings. It was 'her'. The slut that he was screwing while his wife was waiting endlessly for her husband to call and tell her that he is safe. The first morning of all things. Wow.

Fast forward 14 months later. Joe deploys to Iraq again. This time for 15 months. Wow. That's a long time. Can I make it another 15 months? But the better question should have been: Can he make it another 15 months? I know that he will be safe but can he be loyal? Well, I have soon come to find out that the answer, that I knew all along, was NO. He couldn't. Guess what? He has another baby now. Yep. Makes 2 for him, none for me (I am unable to have children of my own). This time he was fucking a married Captain the entire time he was down there. Oh yeah, he claims that it isn't his kid, that she is only sending detailed information via email to him to "try and break up his marriage". What a crock of shit! He is only denying it because him and her both can get in some serious, serious trouble because they were/are both married when this happened. How do I know all this? Well girls (and guys), let me tell you! You gotta get the emails! Everyday, 10 times a day I check Joe's email. He has NO clue that I do this. He is so damn stupid that he doesn't know that I have his passwords. When she send him emails, I forward them to my email and then delete them from his. That way I have proof! I have over 40 emails, incriminating emails. If I ever decided to go to my boss, oh by the way is also Joe's boss, with these emails and acquisations, they are BOTH FINISHED!!!

But at this point, all I will do (for now) is hold on to these emails until my 'plan' to leave is complete. I will be financially and emotionally ready by the time May gets here. You see, Joe is in school right now. A very elite school. And if I decide to take what I know to my/his boss, he is through! Gone. Kaput. His entire military career (which he has 19 years in) is over. But I won't do anything until my plan is completed. Hee Hee Haa Haa Ho Ho.....

Okay... need more coffee... will tell more of my dramatic (or not so dramatic) life tomorrow. There is sooo much more.. you don't want to miss the good stuff :)

Friday, January 16, 2009

In The Beginning...

Wow... first day on my first blog and a lot to talk about... I've never 'blogged' in my life but I read everyone else's blogs so I thought I could start my own one day, you know, when I got older. Well, here I am! 37 years old. Am I old enough to have a blog now? Am I 'allowed' to have a blog? What do I put on here? Where do I begin? Do I talk about who I am or what I do for a living or do I even dare to start at the beginning? Wow! This blogging thing could be one of a few things:

fun? exciting? boring? dangerous? forgotten?

I just noticed that all of those actually is how I am... but I'll let you be the judge of that, you know, once you get to know me.

So.. I guess I should get a couple of things out of the way first.

1) I will NOT, and I repeat, will NOT be using real names here! This is to keep my secrets secretly in my front pocket. I do not want to get present and future people hurt, scared, sad, happy, what-have-you. So for this reason, any and all future talks of any person, place or thing will be true stories but with names changed (to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent) Got it? Good...

2)Any and all things that I say, well type, will be at my own discretion. I have too many people as it is in my life at this exact moment that likes to tell me how to act, what to say, when I should say it, how to dress, how to eat, what time I should take a shit, blah! blah! blah! so I do NOT need anyone else's SHIT! I think the main reason for starting this blog is that NO ONE can tell me that I can not do something here! Yeah, you can leave comments (if anyone ever actually finds this blog over all the million and trillions of other blogs out there) but I will NOT let you judge me or tell me what to do! I have enough people doing that in my life already (more on that another day). You can't say something or judge me more than I already have been so do us/me a favor... save it.... But just humor me.. if and when anyone ever finds my blog... leave me a message okay? hee hee

3).... um... is there a 3? Nah... I don't think so... everything else is a free-for-all! Let it all hang out here because trust me... I am going to say some things on here that I don't even think that I even agree with.. But then again, that is why I can do this.. because I CAN! No one can tell me not too :)

Okay, now that is over. What now? Am I suppose to introduce myself? To myself? hahaha I really crack myself up! Okay, here it is... just for shits and giggles (remember, every and all names have been changed to protect the innocent) :)

My name is "Amy". I am a 37 (wait.. am I 37? Yeah! I am) woman. I was born and raised in North Carolina. I had lots of friends growing up. Well, I wouldn't actually say I had a lot of friends but the friends that I did have.. well, I could (and still can) count on them for anything! They are truly amazing. Even though none of us actually keep in touch with each other (there were 4 of us, the 4-Amigos) we are still friends. I have their phone numbers, they have mine but we are all just going on with life. Whatever life has dealt to us. But I know, as well as they do, that we love each other and would drop everything to be there for one another. Anyway, growing up we smoked a lot of weed. When I say a lot.. I mean a lot man! We used to hang out with a biker club that was full of old stinky bearded old men. We were all young, cute, sexy and we liked to tease the old geezers! I think that is why they used to smoke (and give) us weed so much. Nothing was ever expected of us. Except we would go on rides with them to Harley Bike Rallies. Nothing hotter than an old biker man showing up with a teenage hottie on the back of their Harley :) Hey, we got weed! That's all that mattered to us. And no.. we were addicted to weed. We were just young and liked to get high. Then later in life... around age 18, my other 3 amigos started dating black guys. We were all so close that I guess I just went with the flow. I was never with a black guy. I didn't like that, wasn't my cup of tea. My friends started doing the 'hard drug stuff' (ex: crack, acid, pills, etc) so I kind of 'weeded' myself out of the group (no pun intended). So I got myself a new group of friends. They weren't the same. I didn't like the new group of friends but I sure didn't like what my Amigos were doing either so I "dealt with it".
Anywho, on my 21st birthday I went to a bar. A strip bar with one of my friends. She was actually there looking for her cheating boyfriend. I was thinking.. hmmm... if I was a guy.. looking for a girl.. where would I go? Strip Club! So that is where we went. I have to say, those little strip clubs weren't like I thought they would be (well, remember me saying this because it will come back to haunt me). Anyway, met a guy that was in the Army there. Yes, at a strip club. Fast forward to keep a long story short... 10 months later we were married... "That" my friends is where it allll goes wrong...
Enough for now.. my fingers are tired from typing.. my mind is hurting from thinking and I must get coffee? tea? chocolate? sex? Ah Hell! I'll just say that there is SOOO much of this story to follow along with that you will NOT want to miss my next entry... it only gets better (well, maybe worse) from here... So for now my cyber friends (or not).. until next time.... later taters.........