Tuesday, January 27, 2009

16th Wedding Anniversary... ha!

So, here I am... Just 4 days after my 16th wedding anniversary. Yes, 16 years ago this past Friday, Joe and I were married. Now, 16 years later, I'm left wondering.. what did I get myself in to? How will I get myself out? I have been thinking really, really hard about what makes me continue to look at this man as a Husband? I have thought about making a list of pros and cons. But the more I think about it, I think it would be more like a list of hates and dislikes. I know hate is such a big, powerful word, yet I think and say it under my breath countless times a day. "I hate when he does ___", I hate when he says ___" , "I hate the way he __". I don't think he does things that I dislike. It's a hate... and I hate feeling/thinking like that. There aren't any cons. Well, there might be maybe one. But I have a hard time remembering/feeling the con(s). What I am about to 'try' to explain may sound like it's petty to some. But for me? It's hard. So, like I mentioned, Friday was our Anniversary. A day to remind each other about the love and commitment that you gave to someone when you said the words "I do". So I wake up on Friday morning to flowers on the counter. 3 roses. Wow! Surprising. Thought, "Okay, he remembered". So he comes into my work and without a "Good Morning" or "Happy Anniversary" or anything he says, "I need to make copies!". Well yes sir! Let me bow down and get that done for you right now... and by the way: Happy Freakin' Anniversary to you TOO! But instead of blurting it aloud like I have turrets syndrome or something, I just made the copies. That's when I noticed he wasn't even wearing his wedding band. But that's nothing normal, he never wears it anyway.
First 15 years he said he didn't wear it because of his job; he didn't want to get his finger 'blown off'' (insert sarcasm here). Now, for the past year, he says it's because everyone here knows he's married. Okay then Mr. Smarty Pants, I'll stop wearing mine too because, you know, "Everyone here knows I'm married, too!". Hmph! Gotcha! So now, neither wear our rings. Well, on occasion, I will wear mine. Not because he's in my heart, that I love him dearly, that I want to show the world that I belong to him. Nope! Just to shut him up. So I don't have to go through the whole: "Why aren't you wearing your ring? Well, why aren't you wearing yours!?" thing. I also do it just to keep up the whole questions from curious onlookers. Keeps the questions at bay, to keep up the whole charade until it's time for my plan to come to full circle. Speaking of my "Plan". I don't think I can make it until May. I was hoping that I would be able to make it until then but things are just so wrong that I can't. There is so much daily stress and so much hate that I don't want to live my life like this any longer! I want to leave now! What is keeping me from doing it? Well, again, I need to make a list. Here goes:

Staying until May:
* He may get sent to Iraq or Afghanistan (which is what he wants). If he does, then I could stay in the housing here for the next 15 months. He will be gone anyway so it wouldn't really make a difference whether I have my own place or paying rent somewhere.
* I could live in said housing for free. Meaning more money I could save up. LOTS more money.
* Divorce takes only 3 months here in Texas. If I leave now, he would start the divorce paperwork here, 3 months later we would be divorced which means I would loose my medical benefits. If he gets stationed somewhere else, it could take a year, in which I would be financially ready to pay for my own health coverage.

Leaving Now:
* Less stress
* I could save money (he likes to spend, I like to save)
* Less emotional strain on me
* I could say and do as I please
* I could walk around my own house without worrying I am 'disturbing him' or 'being too loud'
* I could start living my life again
* I could be ME again
* I could just breath........

These are not the only things that I could list. I could make a list of a million-and-one things on the Leaving Now list. But I won't. What good will that do? I know what I need to do. I know what I will do. But when? I want it to just be over... But I have to wait till the right time. But ever day that goes by, it gets easier and easier to tap-out. Be done with it. I'll tell you.. I'm almost there.

One more thing about our "Anniversary"? Guess where we went out to eat? Home... he didn't want to go anywhere... didn't want to take his wife out to dinner... oy........ the saga continues...

Monday, January 19, 2009

One... Two... more?

Second blog entry and I have completly, already, lost my train of thought.. where was I? Oh! So I met my husband. Let's call him 'Joe' since he is in the Army. Seems fitting.

So, while Joe and I were dating he wasn't the most 'loyal' person. I know that. I knew that. I'm not sure what I was looking for in life. I thought marriage was a fairy tale. You know, like when Romeo and Juliet would litterally die for eachother.. oh wait... that was a true story wasn't it? Anywho, I thought that is what love/marriage was. A committment. A lifetime. A forever. Where was my family and friends growing up to tell me that is wasn't? I should have known when my parents divorced when I was 13. Yes, my dad cheated on my mom. Is that how marriages work? I guessed it was.

When Joe and I got married, his mom did somethings that made me want to re-think the entire thing. Not because of what she did... but because Joe went along with it. His mom is a huge influence in his life. Also of Joe's actions... I should have called it quits a long time ago.

You see, Joe has always been a cheater. Plain and simple. There is no way that it can be described except the simple way. Cheater. I knew this when I married him but being so young and gulliable, I guess you sometimes think that you can change a person. Change who they are. Well, you can change a person but it's not always a good thing. Sometimes you can be changed to a new person that is not you anymore (more on this subject later). Joe once told me, when we were dating and he was in a druken state of mind, that he couldn't be trusted. When I was the first one to say the 3 forbidden words. I.Love.You. His response? "I couldn't be trusted in a bar with a room full of women if I was drunk". That ladies (or men) is your first clue to run! Run like you've never ran before. Run like a rabbid wolf was coming after your last piece of cheesecake that your grandmother hand made for you for your Sweet Sixteenth birthday party!

I always thought I could change Joe. Not only for his cheating ways but the way he talks to people, the way he talks to me. At first everything was all lovey-dovey. You know, when you get those butterflies that seem to make your insides flutter with the sight of the love of your life? The feeling you get just hearing his voice that makes your hiney cringe? Yeah, I remember those days. It's hard to remember them anymore though. It's been a long time since my hiney cringed. I cringe still today. Although it is now a cringe that makes you want to ball up and go to sleep. Never to wake up to find that man laying beside you anymore. No, I don't mean kill him. Just not having to deal with him anymore.

I often sit back and wonder how we got to this place? Then I realize, we didn't get here. He brought us here! 8 years ago, this coming June, is where it all started going wrong. Joe went to another state for some Army school. It was a 3 month school and I/we had said that I would fly up there and watch his graduation. It was a great career boosting school. He would get promoted to a much higher rank. Well, when Joe left he didn't know the graduation date so no permanent plans were made on my fly dates. When 3 weeks after he left, and school was in session, I kept asking him when his graduation date was so I could make travel plans (I am SO a planner). He kept saying that he didn't know. A few more weeks went by and he said that I needed to wait a little longer because the school was very very hard and he wasn't sure that he was going to pass and graduate or not. Little did I know.. he was putting me off. Come to find out, he was fucking a stripper! (remember when I said that strip clubs weren't bad? I lied!). Long story short... I flew up there for the weekend (unannounced). Just in time to find out the stipper girl was now pregnant... Oy! Apparently there were 3 men that could have fathered her child so we waiting patiently for a DNA test to come back. Joe was the only one that took the test (still wondering if there were really 3 men involved since he was the only one tested). So while were vacationed in Cozumel, trying to 'work things out', the test came back. Joe's sprem impregnanted a slutty stripper. Wow! What is a girl/wife suppose to do now? Run? Well, being the obidient wife that I am, trying to make my fairy tale marriage work, I stayed. I supported him. I wish I could say that I forgave him but I can't. I thought I had but I still, 8 years later, have not. It still aches my heart. Sometimes when I think about it (which is still daily) my heart feels like it gets so big, pumps blood so hard, that I think it will blow out of my chest. I can not breath.. I gasp for air. Like the song that Jordan Sparks sings... How can I breath with no air?

But I continued to live...

Fast forward. Joe deployed to Iraq for 12 months. I worrried about him all the time. Is his safe? Is he hungry? Is he missing me? I stayed at home every minute that I wasn't at work. I waited by a silent phone.. day and night... I was now living in a forgein country, Germany. The Army had picked us up and moved us to Germany. I loved Germany. I wanted to go 'see the world'. I wanted experience life and the life of Germany. I didn't. Instead of traveling with my friends to Paris, London, Italy.. I sat by a silent phone. Waiting for the next time he got a chance to call. When the calls finally did come, he was different. Quiet, reserved, non-conversational. I thought is was the war and being away from home. Well, I know now what was keeping him at a distance. It wasn't the 1,800 miles that serparted us. It was more women. Yep! I still hadn't changed his cheating heart.

He came home. The very first morning that we woke up together.. his cell phone rings. It was 'her'. The slut that he was screwing while his wife was waiting endlessly for her husband to call and tell her that he is safe. The first morning of all things. Wow.

Fast forward 14 months later. Joe deploys to Iraq again. This time for 15 months. Wow. That's a long time. Can I make it another 15 months? But the better question should have been: Can he make it another 15 months? I know that he will be safe but can he be loyal? Well, I have soon come to find out that the answer, that I knew all along, was NO. He couldn't. Guess what? He has another baby now. Yep. Makes 2 for him, none for me (I am unable to have children of my own). This time he was fucking a married Captain the entire time he was down there. Oh yeah, he claims that it isn't his kid, that she is only sending detailed information via email to him to "try and break up his marriage". What a crock of shit! He is only denying it because him and her both can get in some serious, serious trouble because they were/are both married when this happened. How do I know all this? Well girls (and guys), let me tell you! You gotta get the emails! Everyday, 10 times a day I check Joe's email. He has NO clue that I do this. He is so damn stupid that he doesn't know that I have his passwords. When she send him emails, I forward them to my email and then delete them from his. That way I have proof! I have over 40 emails, incriminating emails. If I ever decided to go to my boss, oh by the way is also Joe's boss, with these emails and acquisations, they are BOTH FINISHED!!!

But at this point, all I will do (for now) is hold on to these emails until my 'plan' to leave is complete. I will be financially and emotionally ready by the time May gets here. You see, Joe is in school right now. A very elite school. And if I decide to take what I know to my/his boss, he is through! Gone. Kaput. His entire military career (which he has 19 years in) is over. But I won't do anything until my plan is completed. Hee Hee Haa Haa Ho Ho.....

Okay... need more coffee... will tell more of my dramatic (or not so dramatic) life tomorrow. There is sooo much more.. you don't want to miss the good stuff :)

Friday, January 16, 2009

In The Beginning...

Wow... first day on my first blog and a lot to talk about... I've never 'blogged' in my life but I read everyone else's blogs so I thought I could start my own one day, you know, when I got older. Well, here I am! 37 years old. Am I old enough to have a blog now? Am I 'allowed' to have a blog? What do I put on here? Where do I begin? Do I talk about who I am or what I do for a living or do I even dare to start at the beginning? Wow! This blogging thing could be one of a few things:

fun? exciting? boring? dangerous? forgotten?

I just noticed that all of those actually is how I am... but I'll let you be the judge of that, you know, once you get to know me.

So.. I guess I should get a couple of things out of the way first.

1) I will NOT, and I repeat, will NOT be using real names here! This is to keep my secrets secretly in my front pocket. I do not want to get present and future people hurt, scared, sad, happy, what-have-you. So for this reason, any and all future talks of any person, place or thing will be true stories but with names changed (to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent) Got it? Good...

2)Any and all things that I say, well type, will be at my own discretion. I have too many people as it is in my life at this exact moment that likes to tell me how to act, what to say, when I should say it, how to dress, how to eat, what time I should take a shit, blah! blah! blah! so I do NOT need anyone else's SHIT! I think the main reason for starting this blog is that NO ONE can tell me that I can not do something here! Yeah, you can leave comments (if anyone ever actually finds this blog over all the million and trillions of other blogs out there) but I will NOT let you judge me or tell me what to do! I have enough people doing that in my life already (more on that another day). You can't say something or judge me more than I already have been so do us/me a favor... save it.... But just humor me.. if and when anyone ever finds my blog... leave me a message okay? hee hee

3).... um... is there a 3? Nah... I don't think so... everything else is a free-for-all! Let it all hang out here because trust me... I am going to say some things on here that I don't even think that I even agree with.. But then again, that is why I can do this.. because I CAN! No one can tell me not too :)

Okay, now that is over. What now? Am I suppose to introduce myself? To myself? hahaha I really crack myself up! Okay, here it is... just for shits and giggles (remember, every and all names have been changed to protect the innocent) :)

My name is "Amy". I am a 37 (wait.. am I 37? Yeah! I am) woman. I was born and raised in North Carolina. I had lots of friends growing up. Well, I wouldn't actually say I had a lot of friends but the friends that I did have.. well, I could (and still can) count on them for anything! They are truly amazing. Even though none of us actually keep in touch with each other (there were 4 of us, the 4-Amigos) we are still friends. I have their phone numbers, they have mine but we are all just going on with life. Whatever life has dealt to us. But I know, as well as they do, that we love each other and would drop everything to be there for one another. Anyway, growing up we smoked a lot of weed. When I say a lot.. I mean a lot man! We used to hang out with a biker club that was full of old stinky bearded old men. We were all young, cute, sexy and we liked to tease the old geezers! I think that is why they used to smoke (and give) us weed so much. Nothing was ever expected of us. Except we would go on rides with them to Harley Bike Rallies. Nothing hotter than an old biker man showing up with a teenage hottie on the back of their Harley :) Hey, we got weed! That's all that mattered to us. And no.. we were addicted to weed. We were just young and liked to get high. Then later in life... around age 18, my other 3 amigos started dating black guys. We were all so close that I guess I just went with the flow. I was never with a black guy. I didn't like that, wasn't my cup of tea. My friends started doing the 'hard drug stuff' (ex: crack, acid, pills, etc) so I kind of 'weeded' myself out of the group (no pun intended). So I got myself a new group of friends. They weren't the same. I didn't like the new group of friends but I sure didn't like what my Amigos were doing either so I "dealt with it".
Anywho, on my 21st birthday I went to a bar. A strip bar with one of my friends. She was actually there looking for her cheating boyfriend. I was thinking.. hmmm... if I was a guy.. looking for a girl.. where would I go? Strip Club! So that is where we went. I have to say, those little strip clubs weren't like I thought they would be (well, remember me saying this because it will come back to haunt me). Anyway, met a guy that was in the Army there. Yes, at a strip club. Fast forward to keep a long story short... 10 months later we were married... "That" my friends is where it allll goes wrong...
Enough for now.. my fingers are tired from typing.. my mind is hurting from thinking and I must get coffee? tea? chocolate? sex? Ah Hell! I'll just say that there is SOOO much of this story to follow along with that you will NOT want to miss my next entry... it only gets better (well, maybe worse) from here... So for now my cyber friends (or not).. until next time.... later taters.........